With the wrong mindset and priorities, it can be incredibly difficult to accomplish the most important tasks in life. For months, probably even years if I'd had sense enough to tune in, God had been calling me to a daily time with Him before I finally gave in. With my selfishness, I thought of it as giving in, because in my ignorance I thought my compliance with God's request was doing Him a favor. I'm smiling now at my naivete.
For several months now, I've set aside the first 30 minutes of every weekday for just me and God. This often turns in to more like an hour with God, leaving me wanting that much more, but my work and life schedule dictate otherwise, though I've learned to feel God's presence throughout the day. There would have been a time several years ago that praying for 30 minutes or an hour would have sounded like pure torture, but that was back when I didn't know God. Besides, I've learned that spending time with God doesn't necessarily mean praying, at least not in the traditional manner in which I've always thought of prayer.
In one sense I've been on a spiritual quest my entire life. I think we all are whether or not we realize it, but my pursuit of God and hunger for more of Him began in earnest in 2005. Actually, in about a week it will mark five years of when I first had an encounter with the Holy Spirit. Before this, I was a Christian and no doubt had my salvation based upon the work of Jesus, not me, but I did not have a relationship with God. I had religion and by the age of 25, not very much of that.
Each of these five years has held its share of pain and suffering and hardships, which I have accompanied with my fair share of bitching and moaning and complaining and whining. However, from God's perspective as with any parent's, it must be better to have a child who is acting immaturely than to have a child who has turned completely away. Over these five years, though, God has redeemed me and has done mighty healing within me. Most of this healing has been done between my ears.
Some of the circumstances have only worsened, while there have been numerous breakthroughs. What has changed has been my attitude, my faith, and most especially my relationship with God - Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. What a difference it has made over these past few years as I have learned to pray according to the Word and according to the Spirit. Though, I still fling up the occasional self-centered, all-about-me prayers, I have learned to pray God's will and to seek His purpose. Looking back, the very things that I used to bemoan, I can now see as opportunities for me to grow spiritually. As the cliche goes, what the devil intended for bad, God used for good.
This brings me back to my 30 minutes with God. There have been dry days that were mind-blowingly boring where I could not feel the presence of God or anything other than my subconscious. I won't bore you with those, though I wouldn't doubt that unbeknownst to me that those may have produced some of the biggest breakthroughs as I've also learned that it's not always about what you feel.
My daily 30 minutes or so with God, have sometimes followed a routine, but have at other times been completely Spirit-led and directed. Skeptics might wonder how I know. I would have wondered the same thing five years ago before I truly believed in the EverPresent, Living God. I don't know how it takes one two and a half decades to accept such simple truths as, "I will never leave you or forsake you."
Recently, in one of my times with God, though I feel as if I'm in an awesome place spiritually with my relationship with Him, He got real with me. I went from praising God one minute, to reminding Him of about a half a dozen "unanswered" prayers with the attitude that I had waited just about long enough! I then went on rattling off things I was worried about: this relationship, these clients, my sore throat, family matters, friends in trouble, finances, and the list went on. And on. Then, I began to get righteous again and turned my dialogue back to Him, starting, "Lord,. . ." But, I was interrupted in prayer by God Himself.
What He said shook me to the core. I've been used to being coddled and loved and reaffirmed by God. I believe He's allowed me much grace, freedom, and mercy. Detox, I've called it. As I prayed, "Lord," he replied, "I'm not your Lord." Chills. Down. My. Spine. And I might've peed a little. He got my attention. I thought, Boy, I've done it this time!
He, then, lovingly shared with me that if He is Lord, then He is first and that I put my life and my faith and my trust in His hands. Yes, in the sense that Iam His and that He is my Savior, then He is Lord. But, not s'much, when I'm choosing worry, negativity, sin, self, and all such nonsense, that is in essence me dwelling or meditating on everything He came to save me from. I was calling out Lord, Lord, but like Peter was looking at my fears and lost sight and faith and began sinking.
Another recent day, I was in a bad mood, which in recent years has been a rare occurance. I'm not trying to play the I'm-so-saved card, yeah I still get annoyed, frustrated, and downright mad, but I don't stay there. As the black folks say, I ain't got time for that. Anyway, on this particular day, I felt eerily depressed as in the pre-Holy Spirit days five years ago. I took it to God and more or less asked, what's the deal? As if He didn't know, I gave Him a rundown of the symptoms. Within minutes, dwelling in His presence and listening to that still-small voice, I was reassured and calmed and remain so now.
After hearing my complaints, God responded, It is not that my great affection for you has changed. No, it has only increased. But, when I, in answer to your many fervent prayers turned up the heat and the pressure, you focused on that and not Me. I am transforming you at your request to be more like my Son. Embrace the fire, but keep your focus on Me. I have sent you a Helper.
Wow. This is totally seek-ye-first stuff. Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you. Wouldn't you know, I had it twisted. I had flipped the script. I took my eyes temporarily off God and sought first "all these things" instead of Him. I was seeking answers, help, solutions, finances, but God said seek Me first, THEN all these things (almost as an afterthought) will be added unto you. God was answering my prayers, but in my little faith I got nervous and scared and started trying to work out the details, but in His love and grace, He spoke to me and redirected my path.
What I thought of as a sacrifice of time that I insisted I did not have, has ended up being the distinguishing mark of my life. Each day starts with God. Long before worldly relationships, broken promises, the media, and all of life's much nonsense starts, I've had at least 30 minutes with the One who created me and has known my spirit since the formation of the earth . . .and it has made all the difference.
Disclaimer: Please know, that this is from the heart and based upon my walk with God. Yours may look different, for better or worse. God continues to humble me and reveal sin and selfishness that permeates my life. This is not me boasting about my goodness. This is me realizing that I'm not so great, not without God.
